How to Find your Confidence and your Sexy

For most of my life, I convinced myself that I wasn’t the “sexy” type. I labeled myself as awkward, shy, a bit of a tomboy. I had Resting Bitch Face, and I wore it like armor. But here’s the truth—it took me 32, almost 33 years to realize that was just a story I told myself. A story that made me feel safe. A story that kept me from stepping into my power, from actually seeing myself as beautiful, confident, and desirable. I wasn’t awkward—I was afraid of being seen. And if that hits home for you, keep reading.

When I was younger, I always felt like more of a tomboy. I dressed like my male cousins, and I cried when I had to go bra shopping in 3rd grade and again when I started my period. I never was one of the girls that felt excited to finally be a woman, or come into womanhood. It could be the fact that I was only 9, but it also could just simply be the fact that I never felt feminine or womanly. I had best friends who were boys, and until middle school, I felt like I got along better with boys, and often wished that I could just be one. I honestly also disliked kids. I was never really the type to want to hold babies, be near babies, or have that innate desire to have babies (still don’t). When my sister was born, I highly resented her until she was about 16 years old. Don’t worry, we’re best friends now 😉

But the point I am making is that I was, and have always felt, less womanly, less sexy, and like I don’t belong in “girl world.” Whenever I would choose outfits in middle school and sometimes high school, I felt so awkward. I still remember this one outfit I wore that haunts me to this day – baby blue tights, jean skirt, baby blue long sleeve shirt, and black booties. O.M.G. Who let me leave the house like that?!

This was me trying to find my style and femininity. But then I decided to lean into the emo phase and dressed in nothing but black. Again, who let me leave the house like that?

Here we are, in my thirties, still struggling to find my style, find my sexy, find my confidence, and I am a boudoir photographer! I preach about this stuff, and I only just came to this epiphany that I was not practicing what I preach.

To you, sexy might mean something entirely different than it does to me. How we become our sexy selves is going to be unique, but really, its all based in confidence.

Like so many women, I was making decisions and living my life based on fears and false narratives. I told myself I wasn’t meant to wear that outfit. I wasn’t meant to walk into a room and own my presence. I wasn’t meant to be the one who turned heads. The story kept getting deeper engrained into my mind, “I am too awkward for that.” And for what? Because society tells women that embracing their femininity, their sensuality, their power is something to be ashamed of? Because being sexy, being confident, means we’re “too much”? I was living small because it felt safer than stepping into my own power.

But recently, I got tired of it. Tired of letting fear dictate my life. Tired of missing out on the version of myself that I knew deep down was waiting to be let out. I started doing the work—real work—to break free. I read books written by powerful women like You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero and Financial Feminist by Tori Dunlap. I started changing my wardrobe, buying the things I thought were cute but never allowed myself to wear in public. You know the first step in manifesting the life you want is to dress the part?

I forced myself to stand taller, to walk with purpose, to make eye contact. I stopped scrolling past women who embodied confidence and thinking, “That could never be me.” Instead, I thought, “Why not me?”

I have a friend that embraces everything sexy and she walks with this confidence and aura that makes you feel like you are in the presence of a goddess, and along this journey I’ve been using her as my inspiration. If you are like me, and don’t know where to start, find inspiration amongst your friends, online, etc. It helps!

I also stopped waiting for confidence to magically appear and started faking it. And you know what? It’s working (we are a work in progress over here). Because confidence isn’t something you’re just born with, I have learned it’s something you build. If you want to feel sexy, start acting like it. If you want to be confident, start walking the walk. And eventually, you won’t be faking it anymore.

This works in other aspects of your life too – manifest the life you want to live, and start living as if its already yours.

Here’s what I know: Feeling sexy isn’t about what you wear or how much skin you show. It’s about how you carry yourself. It’s about owning your space, allowing yourself to take up space, and letting go of the fear that has been holding you back for so long. And if you need a push to start gaining confidence, here’s a list that has helped me:

1. Stop the negative self-talk. Catch yourself in those moments when you say, “I can’t pull that off,” or “I’m not that kind of person.” You are that kind of person, you just have to decide to be.
2. Step outside of your comfort zone. Buy the lingerie. Buy the outfit that you think is cute but you tell yourself would not look good on you. Read a book that makes you uncomfy. Have hard conversations. Do hard things. Book the photoshoot. Take up space in the mirror and in-person and admire yourself.
3. Change how you walk. Shoulders back, chin up. Walk into every room like you belong there… because you do.
4. Speak with confidence. Even if your voice shakes, say what you mean. Own your opinions. Remember you are smart, and you know what you are talking about. Stop apologizing for existing.
5. Surround yourself with women who uplift you. Confidence is contagious, and the more you see it, the more you’ll start to embody it.
6. Book the damn boudoir session. Seeing yourself through someone else’s lens can be truly eye opening and it really is as empowering as they (I) say. I’ve done one of my own, and it was beautiful!

Fear keeps us small. Confidence sets us free. So take the leap. Step into your power, own your sensuality, own your femininity, and start showing up as the version of yourself you were always meant to be.

PS: all the photos I shared in this blog were of me in 2010 when I really struggled with this line of who I was, who I wanted to be, and who I was becoming.